Wednesday, 8 October 2008

"Haemorrhoids" And Jubilee Clips

I am currently suffering with pop sock fatigue and have decided that it’s not a good idea to wear them for too long, unless you want all circulation to cease from the knee down. They really should carry a government health warning as, after a couple of hours’ wear, you may as well have secured jubilee clips to your legs, as the effect is much the same.

I am pleased to report that the diet is still yielding gradual results, although the cayenne pepper has had to take a backseat as I couldn’t take soup to my recent temporary assignment at the hospital, so have been eating homemade wholemeal bread and hard boiled eggs instead. They do stink the office out somewhat and I have had some funny looks from people, however, I’ve just blamed it on the hospital ventilation system. I’ve also managed to stick to the zero alcohol beers in the evening, with just two small glasses of wine, which should help my weight/blood pressure/pocket.

The build up to the menopause does not appear to have induced any mood swings in me as yet, although I did have a menopausal moment the other day when I suddenly couldn’t access the computer system because another member of staff had very inconveniently changed the password, as she was fed up with other people using hers. All very well, you might say, but that is the password I was given. Besides, what am I supposed to do all day with no computer access? Drink copious amounts of tea? Play hangman (or woman?), admire the non-view over the hospital parking lot, sit and pick my nose? Really, such anal behaviour is beyond me. I mean, as if I’m going to go around the hospital telling everyone that this person’s password is “haemorrhoids.” And, as for the miserable receptionist in OPD2 (yes, you!), who also doesn’t suffer with menopausal mood swings because she remains stubbornly miserable all the time, i.e. she is suffering with IPS – Irritable Person Syndrome, I think I’ll send both her and the password withholder a nice slice of Death Cap pizza each. Perhaps that will bring a smile to their faces!

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Thursday, 2 October 2008

Eggs And "Curtain Bastards"

The temporary job at the local hospital Geriatric Mental Health Department is going well and I have thus far managed to avoid being sectioned. I’ve got a day off today, so it’s time to update the “Captain’s Log.”

Yesterday started in a rather fraught fashion as, at breakfast time, I was ambushed in the kitchen by a huge “curtain bastard.” My sister, who lives on a long boat(?) narrow boat(?) (I never know which it is, but one of them has something to do with the Vikings) always comes home from abroad to find masses of big spiders on her curtains, hence the name “curtain bastards”, from now on to be called C.B.s. Anyway, this particular C.B. was lurking against the skirting board, so I had to wait until he moved into the living room before I could cover him with a pint glass, which is very brave for me. On top of the glass, I balanced a heavy Pyrex dish to stop the cat from knocking the glass over. Then I left for work, praying that there was sufficient oxygen for the C.B. to survive until my husband came home from work that evening. I am pleased to say that it did, but I could well do without that sort of shock in my current fragile menopausal state.

I’m cautiously pleased to say that the diet is finally beginning to pay off and without an exercise bike in sight. I’ve ditched the Helix Slim drops, but am keeping up the cayenne pepper regime and am eating a high fibre diet. I’ve decided to include alcohol free lager into my regime in a bid to reduce the amount of wine I drink, thus helping to reduce the calories even more. I have also adopted Nigella’s husband, Satchi’s, egg philosophy and am eating two a day, in accordance with the latest findings that eating two eggs a day in conjunction with a low calorie diet helps you to lose more weight than the same diet without eggs. They apparently have no adverse effect on your cholesterol either, although they could slow down your bodily functions somewhat, so it’s important to keep up the fibre content. It was reported that Mr Satchi was eating 9 eggs a day, which seems a bit excessive, but lost 4 stone over a 9 month period. Some people say that fad diets are just a lot of hot air, which I’m sure Nigella could adequately confirm. I just hope, for her sake, that she has a bad sense of smell!

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