Thursday, 14 August 2008

Deep Heat And Cellulite

Woke up this morning, feeling fine, as the old Herman’s Hermits song goes. Crumbs, that really does show my age! Should really being tearing a lick on the old exercise bike that I got from a friend of mine. Actually, we did a bit of bartering and she swapped it for a couple of pieces of costume jewellery. Fair exchange is no robbery, as they say. Unfortunately, it’s been sitting in the back room for over a year now and I’ve used it the sum total of 6 times. The trouble is that, despite all my good intentions, it’s just so bloody boring! What’s more, I can’t actually build up enough steam to get the gauge to move from the “Fat Lazy Bastard” zone to the “Welcome To The Human Race – You Are A Normal Healthy Person” zone, let alone the “Nauseatingly Fit Show Off” zone. I’m sure the Tour De France guys don’t have this problem (the mere thought of cycling up Mont Ventoux gives me palpitations.) Must try harder, as my school reports used to say. After all, my doctor told me that the only way to shift the flab was to exercise, but who feels like that after a day at work? Pass the wine bottle please.

However, there are, allegedly, several methods one can adopt to try and improve the appearance of flab-related cellulite and here are just a few which I’ve tried (and failed):-

1) Skin brushing. This is supposed to improve lymphatic drainage, so I dutifully purchased a pure bristle brush from The Body Shop and set to, religiously brushing my chunky thighs and bum every night for about 2 weeks, after which time the overall improvement was bugger all. As I am a person who needs instant results, I soon gave up on that one.

2) Drinking loads of water. Again, I followed the Holy Grail of bottled water and drank like it was going out of fashion. The only difference I noticed was that I spent most of my time in the loo, with flab still stubbornly in situ.

3) Next came the Epsom Salts baths. Apparently, if you sit in enough Epsom Salts baths, your cellulite is supposed to miraculously melt away. Fat chance! I just ended up with very wrinkly skin.

4) As cellulite is supposed to be linked with bad circulation, which I confess to having, it occurred to me that if I administered something topical which improved circulation, then this, in turn, might help shift the cellulite. Hence my brainwave of rubbing “Deep Heat” into my thighs and bum every night. Well, it certainly warmed me up, but I’m not sure that the smell did a lot for me. Another well intentioned disaster.

Another gem of the menopause is unwanted facial (and body) hair. Oh the indignity of being caught red handed by my husband, using his razor to shave my beard. Okay, we’re only talking about a few stray hairs here but, nevertheless, they are very persistent. I’ve tried tweezing, which lasts longer than shaving, but they do still grow back and sometimes they break off so you are left with a stump which is too small to tweeze but which is still visible to the naked eye. Bleaching is another option, but then the hairs are still there. Electrolysis seems a bit heavy handed, not to mention expensive, for a few stray hairs, so I’m afraid I’ll just have to take out shares in BIC. At least I don’t have a moustache like some poor ladies. One lady I worked with used to sit and tweeze her beard in front of our male colleagues. Now that’s just one step beyond!

Keep watching……. Keep smiling…….. There’s plenty more where this came from!

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